Bald Flash
Friday 18 March 2016
Sunday 31 January 2016
THE CORPSE.
Julian knew he'd never know when she'd died as the refrigeration of the corpse would slow decomposition
right down, but that wasn't the oddest thing about the corpse before him, no, the oddest thing was the way
the body had been arranged after death.
The
body was naked, her breasts on display for everyone to see, to marvel over, to
touch maybe and her legs had been cruelly tied with twine before her feet had
been removed, post-mortem he reasoned due to the lack of blood over the visible
and protruding bone of the ankle, it looked like some sort of cutter had been
used as the flesh looked neat almost as though they'd been removed in one easy
motion.
Most,
if not all of her organs had been violently removed rectally, pulled free from
her rear leaving a wide open cavity and small pieces of flesh hung free around
it. Her arms sat uselessly to her
side, there were no signs of any real struggle, her killer had been obviously
larger and better trained than she was and the attack would have been
mercifully quick. He looked at her skin, it yellow under the light and couldn't
contain the urge to press it, feeling the cold flesh resist his probing finger
before he pulled back from it.
The
most macabre piece of the attack was the removal of her head and flaps of skin
hung free from her neck and covered the windpipe as it hung down over the void
where he head would have been. Again, this mercifully looked post-mortem too as
he reasoned it would have been hard to chop the neck so cleanly if she'd been
alive and struggling.
For all
the death before him he found himself becoming hungry and he licked his lips
before he cut the twine holding her ankles and was surprised that they didn't
drop free. Some level of rigger had set
it and he pushed them apart before dripping olive oil over her chest.
"How
long do I put it in the oven for, Michelle?"
"Weigh
it first." the voice shouted from the other room. "Twenty minutes a
pound plus an extra one, Gas mark 180. I'll do the Roast potatoes later."
Thursday 12 March 2015
The last Hurrah.
Terry finished
his tea and placed the cup carefully on the table beside him, there was
something not quite right, something at the corner of his vision kept playing
tricks with him. He looked over at his book shelves, so many books, so many
adventures not completed. He was proud of his work, the books had obviously
given him finances to write, but it was the joy of creating that had always made
him happiest.
He turned his
head to the left and looked at something that wasn’t there, he hadn’t seen it a
few minutes earlier either, but he knew it was something small, something blue and
red was moving round the sides of his room swearing as it knocked into things.
“Hello!”
he called. “Who’s there?” The silence that answered was filled with so many
things holding their breath that he smirked to himself. “It’s okay. I don’t
bite.” He chuckled, and could hear movement behind his chair, muffled voices
followed by a slap sound and more cursing before the bookcase nearby shook
slightly.
He
found it odd that he wasn’t afraid, he didn’t feel the need to call out, to
worry, he actually found himself enjoying the experience immensely, the Nac Mac
Feegles were no worry to him, he had scotch in the sideboard if anything went
wrong but at the moment the sun shone through his window and he smiled.
A
book fell from his bookshelf, well more flew half way across the room and it
impacted heavily against the wall before dropping spine down onto the
floor. “Careful now.” He chastised
whatever had thrown it, “You don’t treat books like that.” He stood up and
walked over to it, bending down carefully he stopped.
“Oh
it’s you.” he grinned. “Whatever are you doing in there?”
“Ook!”
“Really.”
“Oook.
Ooook!”
“Okay.
Calm down, there’s no rush, you’d best give me a hand then.” Terry reached down and
grabbed the warm leathery hand that greeted him, pulling him inside and as the
book shut, two blue figures wearing kilts ran hell for leather after him and
dived inside. The world span and the first thing that hit him was the smell, it
smelt of cabbage, of rot and filth, but then he opened his eyes and the stench
seemed to vanish away. The cobbled streets were lined with people, all standing
silently watching him, each one nodded, curtsied or in the case of Gaspode,
stopped licking his balls long enough to look up and wag its tale.
“Welcome
to your City, Sir.” Captain Carrot saluted, Nobby Knobs stopped picking his
nose and looked sheepishly at him before wiping his finger on his uniform and
tried to salute.
“This
is all very unexpected.” Terry smiled as Carrot led him along the street. “Even
the witches have come out.”
“Everyone’s
here for you, Sir. Even Blind Io came down, but he got confused and fell into
the Ankh.”
“Oh!”
“At
least he’s a god. You don’t need a miracle though to walk on the Ankh, Sir. You
know that.” They walked on, the people silently falling in behind them after
they passed by, and he stopped and turned to look at them. Each one was a
friend, each one smiled and nodded respectfully as he surveyed them.
“We
need to get moving, Sir.” Carrot took him by the arm, “There will be time to
see everyone later, but for now the Patrician awaits for you.”
“Oh,
Oh yes, Okay, we don’t want to keep him waiting I suppose.” Terry started to
speed up, the Patrician was not someone to be kept waiting, and a few minutes
later they arrived at the palace gates and they swung open, the guards standing
proudly in a line leading up to the main doors.
“I’ll
hand over to the Commander from here, Sir. Can I just say what a pleasure it
is seeing you in the flesh as it were, if you know what I mean.”
“It’s
an honour for me too, Captain, I can assure you.” Terry shook him by the hand, hiding the wince as he felt bones being crushed and he was pleased to see Commander Vimes walking over,
the batter cigar sticking out of the side of his mouth.
“The
Patrician is waiting at the top of the stairs.” The commander smiled and they
walked up silently.
“Commander.”
Terry stopped half way. “I’m in my dressing gown aren't I”
“So
you are, Sir. Very fetching it is too can I add. I do have your hat for you here, it thankfully does not say `Wizzard` on it, He took it from him and placed it reverently on his head and that seemed to be the end
of that. The Patrician stood as they approached and walked over, shaking him by
the hand he turned and gestured to the palace behind him.
“Your
house awaits you, Sire.” He could see the look of wonder on Terry’s face so
continued, “I have been merely holding your seat until you arrived. You are
here now, so my job is done. Your people await you.” Terry slowly turned and
looked down the steps at all the faces below, so many faces, so many stories.
In
his room the book was picked up by a thin skeletal hand, the cheers of the
crowd finally stopped as the book was closed and it was returned to its place
on the bookshelf.
“WELL, THAT WAS A GOOD END.” THE VOICE OF DEATH
BOOMED. “I WONDER IF HE LIKES CURRY.”Wednesday 11 February 2015
Thursday 6 November 2014
THERE'S A MONSTER IN THE CELLAR. (POEM)
“There’s a monster
in the cellar.” Little Timmy said.
“Whenever I go
down there, I know it wants me dead.”
“Shush now.” said
his mother. “Don’t be daft you see.”
“There’s nothing
in this house other than your dad, you and me”
But little Timmy
watched and waited for his time,
He knew that one
day soon that beast would cross that line.
“They’d fine me in
a pile.” He said. “Just guts and blood and bone,
And then they’ll
feel real sorry, for leaving me at home”.
“I’ll get that
beast.” Smirked Timmy as he sat inside his room,
“I’ll make the
damp dark cellar, into the beasties tomb”
So out he pulled
some paper, and while sitting on his bed
did start to draw
a master plan to make the monster dead.
So on one dull
damp Sunday, little Timmy started on the trap,
Praying that the wee
beastie would be taking a little nap.
He utilised the
tools, he needed for the plan
And although he was
afraid, he had to act the man.
Laying out the
pins, at the top of cellar stairs,
Hoping to catch the
monster as it came up, unawares.
Then with all the
power tools that his father kept inside,
He set them in a
pattern to ensure the creature died.
Felling rather
smug he retired to his room.
Knowing that the beast
would come hunting all too soon.
And he lay there
on his bed, waiting for the wails
As the nasty
beastie on the tools it did impale.
He needed not wait
long, less than an hour of time did pass.
When from down
below, a noise did come at last.
The screams and
roars from downstairs made him cringe and feel quite sad.
For not the noise
of beast did rise, but the wails of his dear dad.
No longer afraid
of the beastie, he jump onto the floor,
listening to the
anger that filter through his door.
Down the stairs he
pelted, to see what he had done.
Facing his dear
father as he stared back at his son.
“Why have you
built this?” his mother did despair.
Forgetting about
the dinner as she rushed to comb her hair.
“We must get him
to the doctors”, she shouted on the run.
With images of the
physician as she put her lipstick on.
Rushing to the
car, a tea towel round his head.
Little Timmy feel real
bad. He didn’t want his father dead.
Sitting very
quietly as his mother drove along.
Knowing that his
punishment would not be very long.
Once at the young
doctors, he bandaged up his dad.
And he waited with
his mother, feeling ashamed and very sad.
His plan was very
simple, just to kill that dreadful beast
That lived deep in
his cellar, waiting for a feast.
An hour of so did
pass, until they drove back down their road
His mother looking
angry, little Timmy she would scold.
But then she
stopped so sudden that his dad did curse and Nash.
The fire brigade
stood waiting, there house was turned to ash.
“Someone left the
gas on” the fireman did declare.
“The explosion
blew your roof off, thirty foot into the air.”
“We got her pretty
quick, despite the dreary weather,
But why ever did
you keep the bear inside your cellar”
Upon the fresh cut
lawn lay the body of the beast.
Well some of what
was left, its chest and arm at least.
Little Timmy felt
quite proud of the vision he could see.
It’s soul may have
gone to heaven, but its guts hung from the tree.
“I told you Mum, I
told you” little Timmy did repeat
“That beast was
down right nasty.” as his kicked around its feet
“If you hadn’t
left the gas on, then my meat it would have picked”
“Eating up my body,
and my bones it would have licked”
“I’m sorry” said
his mother “that we didn’t really believe”
As she looked at all
the bloodstains that had splattered the leaves.
“We really should
have trusted you”, his father did declare
as a lump of meat
fell, with a splat from out the air.
So now we have a
new house, all sparkling and repaired.
They filled in the
damp cellar, removing the creaky stairs.
I really should
have mentioned that its brother lives here to
But I have a plan to get it; it’s hidden in the
loo.
Sunday 31 August 2014
THE BURGER
No. 62
THE BURGER.
By
Ian Hawley
Rob put his tray on the table and sat down
with a sigh. “I don’t like this seat. We can’t see outside.”
“It’s the
cleanest table in here.” Farrah shrugged as she opened her burger and started
to pick bits of gherkin out, dropping them onto the edge of the tray.
“If
you didn’t want Gherkin, you should have said.” Ian replied as he picked the
piece up and put them on his. “I don’t know why you don’t like them to be
honest. It’s just a pickle.”
“It’s
the same reason she doesn’t eat mushrooms, she thinks they’re slimy, like
eating slugs.”
“They
are.” Farrah objected. “And I am sat right here you know.” She said as she continued
to pick pieces of lettuce and onion from her food.
“What
did you get?” Rob asked, peering at the burger. “There’s a lot of cheese on
that.”
“It’s
to disguise the flavour.” Ian smirked. “Processed cheese never changes.”
“I
had a dream about you guys last night.” Rob interrupted. “You ever get those
dreams when you stuck in an old job you used to hate and you can’t figure out
why you are still there?”
“No.”
Ian shook his head. “My dreams are usually about food.”
“Explains
a lot.” Farrah smiled as Ian threw a half cooked French Fry at her. “I don’t
dream. Never have.”
“Never!”
Ian looked shocked, “You most probably do but don’t remember them then.”
“No.”
Farrah shook her head again. “Well, not for a...”
“Excuse
me. I was talking.” Rob interrupted, bringing the conversation back on his
track. “It wasn’t open to general debate.” They both fell silent.
“That’s
better.” He grinned. “Anyway, I was stuck in my old job and I ended up killing
my old boss.”
“How?”
Ian asked. “How did you kill them?”
“Boredom?”
Farrah suggested with a smirk.
“No,
I pushed him out of the window.” Rob chuckled. “Watched him fall to his doom
from the fifth floor, what do you think that means?
“Well,
for me it means I’m not falling asleep near you.” Ian replied as he pushed more
fries into his mouth.
“Maybe
you need a break” Farrah suggested. “Maybe you’re looking for something simpler
out of life.”
“You
think?”
“Don’t
know really. I don’t dream, remember.”
“If
I was to kill my boss I’d poison there food.” Ian offered as he wiped ketchup
from his chin. “Eat up Farrah.”
“Na,
I don’t want to finish this anyway. Even my drink is flat. I don’t know why we
continue to come here.”
“It’s
because the front door is lockable and the windows haven’t been smashed in yet.”
Ian replied. “And if you don’t like my cooking then you can do it next time.”
There
was banging on the doors downstairs and Rob pulled his bloodied machete from
its sheath. “I told you I didn’t like not seeing outside.”
“Come
on then.” Farrah pushed the tray away from her. “There can’t be more than
twenty zombies out there. That’s not really an issue.”
“Yeah,
I guess not. Same time next week?” Rob asked.
“Sure.”
Ian swung his baseball bat round as he warmed himself up. In the distance he
could see more of the dead shuffling towards them. “Remember to limber up, a
sprain could kill you.”
“So
could your cooking.” Farrah laughed as she led the way downstairs. “Last one to
kill a zombie cooks next week.”
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