This was one of my first pieces.
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I don’t know how
long it’s been now. How long I have waited for it to be over? I was told it
should be over in less than an hour, but that was three hours ago now, maybe
more. Time seems to be working slowly here; maybe it’s the colour on the walls,
or the lack of external sounds to stimulate me. There is no television, no
pictures.
My breathing is
slow now as my body started to give up, each breathe slowly marks the passage
of time as my life drips away before me, each second feels like an hour, each
hour like an eternity. There were six of us at the start but now it’s down to
two, it’s just me and the fat man in the corner.
The first to go
had been the old man with the stick. I guess we all figured he would be first
though. His breathing sounded harsh and rough when he arrived and it would have
been painful to watch him for long. We were not wrong thank god. After that it
had been random, one by one they left us. Each one seemed to make time slow
even further after they’d gone.
I slowly turn my head to look at the fat man.
I don’t even know his name, it doesn’t seem worth starting a conversation now, it’s
not like we are going to become best friends. He doesn’t look at me anyway, he
is oblivious to me, locked in his own world and I watch him as his chest moves
rhythmically up and down; he’s still alive at least.
There’s a deep sadness
behind his eyes. They are full of regret as he thinks of things that still need
to be finished, or of thing that he should have done. It seems pointless to
worry about them now, not here, but I find myself starting to list the things
myself. I know it’s pointless but it passes the time, it’s better than nothing.
What things have
I left half done? What jobs have I started that I really should have finished?
The door of the garden shed spring to mind, it still wobbles and I think the
top hinge had rusted away. I guess my son will repair it. Maybe I should ask
someone to call him, to let him know. Maybe it will stay like that forever.
A young nurse
walks passed the door. She doesn’t stop to look in to see how we are though. She’s
pushing a trolley of food and drinks into another ward and the smell of coffee
wafts in. It’s not the best smelling coffee in the world, but at that moment,
at this time, it smells wonderful. I bet nothing would taste better than a cup
of it right now. There’s none for us though, it’s not worth it I guess, and
it’s not worth wasting anything on us. I figure it can’t be long now, god I
hope I don’t have long to wait.
My mouth feels
dry. The oppressive heat in the hospital doesn’t help and I slowly lick my lips
with my parched tongue. It’s hard to swallow, the lack of saliva makes me
almost gag but it passes.
It’s been just
me and him now for twenty minutes. It’s hard to believe it’s been only twenty
minutes since the last lucky bugger went. We both watched him go. We knew
something was going to happen when the doctor appeared and I was envious that
his time had come. I wished I could have swapped places with him, to take that
journey.
I breathe out, prolonging
my outward breath until my lungs burn as I force the air from between my lips
before taking a deep breath back in again. I try to recall happy times, maybe a
holidays or a birthday, but there’s too much noise and the sounds of the
hospital stop me from visualising, from seeing in my mind the places of my past.
I guess there
can be no happy place for me. No sweet memories to rush the time onwards. Just
the sound of the clock as it slices my life into little pieces, killing me one
tick at a time. My unknown friend, my brother, groans to himself before falling
silent again. I wonder who will be first, him or me. He isn’t that much older,
not that our age really has any bearing on our outcome. He appears much fatter than
I am though. He has no hair and an unshaven double chin, the large bags under
his eyes show how tired he is, but like me he won’t sleep, not now, not this
close.
I can hear a
nurse shouting something to another about the lack of tooth brushes on a ward
and it suddenly seems such a waste of time to worry about something so trite. Trivial
things should not be allowed, life is too precious and I realise that time is
too important to waste on such follies. I wonder if she would feel the same if
she was in my shoes? I suppose not, I didn’t.
My feet have
gone numb now and I wonder if I should tell a nurse. Mind you, I don’t suppose
there is much point, I don’t suppose there much need, there isn’t really anything
they can do now. I might as well leave them to their tooth brush problems and the
more important patients. Not that they would really care about my feet, I’m
just taking up valuable space here now, they don’t say that of course but I can
tell, I’m nothing more than an unavoidable inconvenience.
I can’t see a
window and I find myself wondering about the weather outside and what it might
be like. I wonder what I’m missing out there and who is missing me. The saddest
thing is that probably no one is missing me. I bet no one has even noticed I am
not there. It’s upsetting to think that for all the people I have met. For all
the people I have shared moments with, drank beer with, or kissed that no one
has missed me. It’s down to just me and him now, my brother in arms.
I can see him
looking at me now and I try to smile, but he looks away before he sees me. His
eyes are almost closed now, I bet it’s him, I bet he goes first, the lucky sod.
I bet it’s me that’s left here all alone, and there’s nothing worse than being
the last. I will be alone in the drably decorated room, alone with the clinical
smell of disinfectant, the flickering of the lights and the muttering of the
nurses.
My legs are numb
now but there is a slight pins and needles sensation still in my toes as I try
to move them. I feel drained, tired beyond measure, my arms feel like lead
weights at my side. No one should be left like this, it’s not human, it’s not
right. I don’t deserve this, I had plans, I had things to do and places to go
damn it.
I feel myself nodding asleep but I try to fight
it, my head drops to my chest and I pull it back again as I feel myself falling.
But after a few seconds I drop again. It’s hard to keep them open any longer;
maybe I’ll just take a short nap, it’s not like I’m going to miss anything of
interest.
There is a light
behind my eyes, and I can feel myself starting to fall before I’m suddenly in a
garden. It is beautiful and lush here, bright vivid sunflowers stand in rows
against the fence panel. It is a garden I have not seen for many years and I
gasp as the memory comes flooding back to me; this is the garden of my youth. The
sun shines down brightly onto my face. The smell of fresh grass cuttings fills
the air as my long dead father mows the lawn into neat straight lines. He finally
stops and empties the cuttings onto a pile in the corner, banging it against a
stone to remove as much as he can. He pushed the mower into the shed and walks smiling
over to me, his pipe issues smoke like a steam train and he looks happy.
He is about to
say something to me when I sense a movement to my side and a hand rests gently on
my shoulder. It’s time. It’s finally my time. I’m not going to be last…
“Time to go dear” my wife says as I open my
eyes. “The Doctors says he’s done now. Sorry it took a while, they needed to
take some blood and I met that nice lady from number 37. Oh did she tell me
something, just you wait till I tell you….”
I smile and nod to her as I force myself up, the
blood running back into my feet as I hobble from the waiting room and I smile
at the unknown man, my friend through the all the waiting. At least I’m not
last.
