WHICH WAY ARE YOU?

It’s a funny thing what people end up talking about when they’re drunk. The conversation can range from who you would eat first if you became a zombie tonight, through to whether the conversation you are having is a comatose dream. Well, that’s what men talk about when drunk anyway, but I can’t say I know what women talk about.
Either way, the conversation this Saturday got me thinking, now, most times I don’t even remember the conversation, but this one was a bit of a corker. I’d just come back from the lav, and John for some reason asked if I’d done a one or a two. I didn’t think too much about the question itself, but the following conversation went something like this.

“So, was it a Gypsy Kiss or a Tom Tit?” John smirked as I re turned.
“A Tom.” I sat down and looked around to make sure no one else was listening in “Thanks for asking.” I liked John but sometimes he could be a Merchant Banker if you get my drift.
“So, which way did you wipe?”
“What?”
“Which way?” he repeated as though this resolved the question.
“There’s only one way, isn’t there?”

And that got me thinking, to do proper research that night I asked as many girls as I could find before doing practical testing back home. Now, do keep in mind the volume of beer I’d consumed already, so the equal volume of slaps or disgusted looks didn’t faze me, I even got numbers from two girls who I presume liked the route of my questions, but that’s not what I’m doing here. So after as much research as I could do, I found that there are four options available, which was a surprise to me.

Option number one is the Beday, one of those fountain things that fire water straight up you, and wash’s you clean, it’s not an option I ever imagine trying to be honest.
Option number two is the upper, the hand below and wipe upwards but this can cause spreading and sleeve fouling.
Option number three is the Downer, this appears to be the obvious way, pushing the waste away from you and into the toilet below, but strangely the second least used.
Option number four is the Pincher, these people are the smaller percentage of all, and they tend to hold, grip and pull. I won’t explain any more that that though.

Some people can do a few options I guess, maybe an up first followed by a downer. Or a Pinch followed by an up, but almost all admitted to looking afterwards.
So, it turned out to be an odd evening, on waking I realised there are the four options and felt the urge to share my research. There is just one thing to follow though, due to the nature of my prior drinking experiment I discovered there is an overriding fifth option and I just wish I’d thought of it before I started, but beer can do that to you.

Use toilet paper, or like me, you’ll be spending the rest of the day washing the bathroom, your sheets and cleaning your keyboard.